An Idea for a Law & Order Episode I Just Thought Of

ok, so this dude gets murdered, and he was doing mushrooms with his friend, who saw the whole thing. maybe it was for money or something, but this dude just got jacked with a knife, some vendetta shit. anyway, so the cops find this guy, who didn't want to come forward because he was on shrooms, and so when mccoy pursuades him to testify, the defense motions that the dude should have to be on mushrooms when he testifies, since that was his state of mind at the time of the murder, and for some reason the dude wins. and mccoy is like, what? and then the bitch or the senator or someone will be like "get it done, jack!" and then mccoy argues with his attractive female ada in which his superior male intellect prevails, and then she does some bitch work for him as punishment. his ego in tact, he kills a gazelle and eats it on the set, and the jury is horrified. then they vote guilty. directed by dick wolf.

Why You Are So Miserable

And you know you are, so let me explain some things that I have discovered by reading very thick books that you dumbasses could never understand in a million years (seriously, we're smarter than you are. that is not a joke, i will show you standardized tests which prove me right.).

True statements:

- You are just a list of things to know. There is no you, only facts which relate to you, and you can only relate to others through this list. Because the list is inevitably incomplete, you will never connect to another human being. You will take things from each other until you realize you are being cheated, and then you will stop trying.

- There is no such thing as enclosed space. No. Such. Thing. When you understand that, consider yourself enlightened.

- There is no god or afterlife. You will die. No one can save you. Deal with it.

I want to call you dumbasses again, but it's uncalled for. But seriously, figure shit out before you kill all of us. Please.

the Editorial Staff (Part 1)

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Shut up, assface
Birthday:	none of your goddam byusiness
Birthplace:	missouri
Current Location:	jandyn's house
Eye Color:	white
Hair Color:	brown
Height:	medium
Right Handed or Left Handed:	both (ambidextrous)
Your Heritage:	white
The Shoes You Wore Today:	awesome
Your Weakness:	none
Your Fears:	none
Your Perfect Pizza:	none
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	win presidential election (erection)
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	fuck you, asshole
Thoughts First Waking Up:	i wish you were dead
Your Best Physical Feature:	n/a
Your Bedtime:	n/a
Your Most Missed Memory:	n/a (smoke a lot of weed)
Pepsi or Coke:	cocaine
MacDonalds or Burger King:	neither. whore.
Single or Group Dates:	dating is for people who can't get laid without dating
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	fag
Chocolate or Vanilla:	neither
Cappuccino or Coffee:	neither
Do you Smoke:	hey hey hey smoke weed err'day
Do you Swear:	almost constantly
Do you Sing:	pioorly
Do you Shower Daily:	yeah, that's gross not to you ass
Have you Been in Love:	love is a social construction made by CORPORATE AMERICA FACE
Do you want to go to College:	i hate fucking college
Do you want to get Married:	i hate marriage
Do you belive in yourself:	that's the dumbest fucking ? ever
Do you get Motion Sickness:	no
Do you think you are Attractive:	not particularly
Are you a Health Freak:	hahahaha
Do you get along with your Parents:	mom
Do you like Thunderstorms:	yeahg
Do you play an Instrument:
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	yeah
In the past month have you Smoked:	yeah
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	yeah
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	no
&..39;In the past month have you gone to a Mall:'	no
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	no
In the past month have you been on Stage:	no
In the past month have you been Dumped:	no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	no
Ever been Drunk:	yeah
Ever been called a Tease:	yeah
Ever been Beaten up:	no
Ever Shoplifted:	yeah
How do you want to Die:	sort of
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	rich and
What country would you most like to Visit:	america
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	don't notice, look at breasts instead
Favourite Hair Color:	see above
Short or Long Hair:	see above
Height:	see above
Weight:	not fatty
Best Clothing Style:	see way above
Number of Drugs I have taken:	15
Number of CDs I own:	lots and lots
Number of Piercings:	none, for trailer trash if not female
Number of Tattoos:	none, though jandyns are quite lovely
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	1 million i regret nearly everything
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

berevety

i won't do it, and i can't stanf for it, in any centur.

so, i need to go help those poor saps, but i am there, in the couh4rjfr. that feels like a couch

the next wave of attacks on this great nation

i want to send a message to the people in the future, to say hey, cut that shit out. you know?

that is funnier than you realize.

so, in 2405 some more arabs are going to get together and start an army, and call it the amy army, and everyone in it has to change their name to amy. so really, the joke is on them. anyway, they all get together and say, hey, why did we rename ourselves? and no one will know. ok, so finally they all go, i don't like being named amy, this is weird. isn't this is a little weird to you too? and then the army will say to itself, yeah, this is weird. lets just go bomb america instead. and then america will say, hey you are arabs and we don't allow that.

the end.

State of the Inebriated Guide (Part One)

Here's the state of the inebriated guide:

Shut up, homo.

Anywho, here it is:

The inebriated guide is going pretty good, for real. I wish josh would stop that shit for ereal.

Caryn: the coolest bitch on earth. not really. [Editorial note: the "not really" in question refers to the "bitch" comment moreso than the "coolest" comment. It should be noted, however, that strictly speaking, the coolest bitch on earth is now and will always be Jamie Lee Curtis. I mean, have you SEEN A Fish Called Wanda? Hilarious.]

who shot ya!?

Inebriated guide: A+ for content. A+_ for effort.

the war of 1812

In third grade, my friend Holly's dad came to lunch at school to sit with us. He told us a joke: When was the war of 1812? The answer of course being 1812, but we thought it was very funny. So did he, but he was drunk, so maybe he should have been the one posting on here right now. I typed two spaces between "right" and "now," but didn't bother to delete it. Anyway, what was I talking about? The funniest thing anyone has ever said in my religion class was "it was probably written by a guy who was partial to his foreskin." I would fight a war if someone was trying to take my foreskin.

this post was brought to you by emily briggs. while we generally frown upon proper grammar, we generally smile upon you shutting the fuck up and not telling us how to run our goddamn blog.

being too high to know what's been happening to youfor the last several hours

step one: eat some brownies.
step two: wait a half hour
stepthree: delicious>=?
step four: watch some debates and superbowl and awards and then go eat and then go to the tournament hotel
stepfive: smoke somebowls
step six: eat some more brownies
step 7: i didn't want to type out 7
step eight: smoke somemore bowls
step nine: don't end up eating in and out
step ten: goddamn it

Always Keeping Your Word

It's important. Goddammit. For America.

This is about flag burning.

No, it isn't.

I realize I haven't eat for

five

days

straight.

[guitar solo]

Harmonica: the instrument of poor people? I would submit that no, it is not. It is a rich and wonderful instrument that bears no class relationship.

ClassY?

I am classy.