Doug's Philosophy

- I think a lot about future archaeologists, and how they'll think it's weird that our power lines are above ground.

- Jager bombs are not candy.

- Water is usually buried.

- Jerry Seinfeld is a prophet.

- I think a lot about future archaeologists.

People Who Drink 120 Frosties

i mean, who fucking does that?!?!?

so anyway, they are a soecial breed of people, who are only allowed to breed with themselves, to preserve the bloodline, because they are so sick with it.

my flows is north pole cold.

anyway, so they breeed with each other into a single dude who does it, and he is the only one who can do it, and it dcoesa, and that is his job. know him, for he is a friend.

How the Internet Works (by Doug Hill, MD)

the interweb works like this:

step one. Turn on computer.

step two. Brett's space bar does not function very well.

step three. What was I talking about?

step four. The internet.

step five. That's what I was talking about.

step six. Modems. Servers. Et Cetera.

step seven. Everything Is Capitalized. Or Capitolized. The world will never know.

step eight. What is a web browser?

step nine. Too much space. Aretherereallyadvertisers(seeitoldyouaboutthespacebar).

step ten. Drink.

step e11even. I think the Jews control it.

I'm not an "expert"but neither are you, so don't argue.

[This has been a guest commentary by Doug Hill. He's not really a doctor, but I read once that Doctors are always ripping people off and performing unnecessary surgery and shit, so fuck doctors. You know? I'ma go pay the electric bill.)

Getting Fucked (The Rose Bowl)

you fucking smoke a fat bowl of that texas dro. and then it gets you fucked. and you are fucked. and it is hard to think.

ok, let me tell you about the rose bowl. a long time ago there was a spanigard who looked like antonio banderas, but he wasn't, he was a king., the king of spangards, motherfuckers. so anyway, he was there, and he went out unto the land, and asked for a gyro, youy know one of thoise greek things, and they said no, it couldn't be done. but, he did it, and when he did, he named a bcs game after the rose bowl he built, and he named it the rose bowl, and then they were all called bowl games. just kindding, it was a coincidence.

so, let me conclude by telling you that what is to come will be will be, bill.

OY UKNOW!!!

Why Some TV Shows are Good and Some are Very Bad

It's because of traffic accidents. See previous post. Continued in last post. Backwards time travel is possible through literature. taht is tha facts of life for realla.

Why Traffic Accidents are So Distressing

Traffic accidents are the expression of the will of the universe. It is a barometer. If you are bad at driving, you are a bad person. Say the naysayers nay.

But it is not so!

The Hope Diamond

i will tell you about the hope diamond. the hope diamond was owned by some people, and then i went to the museum and they told me about all those people, and they all had weird lives, and weird deaths, and i think the NHM did it.

Surrealism

I just watched a multi-racial family try to serve breakfast in a shaking house for 800 dollars. My God, what have we done?

Video Games

Video games are the lost expression of the human soul. Additionally, we know a guy who reperesents a goddamn intertextual universe where all Seinfeld characters become one on another level of reality. You know?

I am not going to lie to you: I love thisx blogger.

STRAIGHT EDGE FOREVER!

Just kidding. Fuck those dipshits.

Music

Music is the universal magnetic, you must respect it. So if you dig that, listen to this shit:

I like music a little. I actually like it less than most people. I think that is maybe a fact of life.

I cannot look at my fingers when I type, but I love to type AnyWay! Is that not strange, Robert Heinlein?

I(t) was so weird for real.

Save as Draft
Publish Post

What to do? My life comes down to this and this alone:

What to do right now?

Batteries

from the moment a battery is born, it is beautiful.

let mme tell you how a battery works. that is singular.
let me tell you how batteries work. that is plural.
(for esl students)

a battery is filled with juice. that juce has a charge or something. that charge comes in contact with another charge, and magnets are made. those magnets spin around really fast because they are really small, like invisible. no, visible, but BARELY.

so they spin around, and then magnetism gets really dizzy and says, fuck this, and leaves the battery, and when it leaves there is a little dude for him to high five, and this little dude is a magical being who makes things work and who loves high fives. he is friends with magnetism, and they high five when they leave. and then the magic little dude makes your shit work.

why do they die, you ask? well, everyone has to die sometime.

peace.

Dead Day

First, take care of any bidness you got, you bitch. GET IT DONE!!!!

you KNOW!!!!!!1

then, smoke like a bitch. not like a bitch, but like, fuck, man, smoke.

like a motherfucker.

then, listen to some method man to get you pumped.

then wait for your ra to get out of the goddamn hallway so you can get in your car and go to best buy.

wait, then to facebook!

the Afterlife

No such thing. You just rot in the ground. Deal with it, bitch.

55 Wise Elders

so there were like 100 guys and they were in the senate (i am talking about a motherfucking thing where they are in voting?_ do you understand.

Explain something to you: I hate the senate. Tedd Kennedy is a motherfucker. I am at jandyn's house. Her real name is Janet

anyways, 55 wise elders are dead now because they turned out to be stupid. they did not clean the needles and they got HIV and they died. I am not making a joke; it is simply fact DID YOU SEE MY SEMICOLON!

Let me explain something to you: I don't want you to die, richard rorty. please don't die. I like the book I am reading that you wrote an d i want you TO LIVE DAMMIT LIVE AND LEARN>

I can't remember what the 55 elders did, but it probably has something to do with church and i hate church.

Hookah (pt. 2)

step 2: you get home, and you take a hit to prepare to actually describe step 2 of the hookah experience.

then you talk about step 2: ok, so your friend calls you asnd he's outside, so you get in the car, and then he hands you a joint. you hit that shit.

setp 3: then you go to the hookah bar, and you ask for double apple. it is delicious. then you ask for mint. it is also delish. then you leave and get double cheeseburgers. delish. then you roll a blunt and drive around for some time.

that is the hookah, my bitches. go in peace.

Hookahs

First, you sit arouns you place with qa couple of freidns, and yo drink some bers,

but thqat's NOT ALL!!!!

then you laugh a bit, because that is funny stuff.

anyway, then you go to a debate party, and you give some guy actually a good gift: mike and ikes. i said i was going to ghet someone mike and ikes and i did, and they are a good gift for ANYONE. then, i gave them to him, and he said he liked them, and he had never had them before. so THERE.

goddamn.

so anyway, then you go back to your dorm and you take a huge hit, and then you wait for the calle. that is step one. the call is step two, and it will come later, along with step three. it's like hows the two matirx movies came out in the same year. but not as gay.

Boxing

Boxing is where you get some gloves on an you go to to to with a fucker? You dig what I am saying to you?

You try to bloody him up and get him disqualified. That's called aa TKO. Which stands for TAKEOUT!

Here's my record: 34-0-1

Boxing was invented by Myan ruins. And then white people RUINED IT. Fuckers.

I don't know what you take me as, so understand the intelligence that Jay-Z has.

Particle Physics

i guess blake is an ok drummer.

ok, so there was this guy newton. and he was right. this cologne does smell good. newton said that a million years ago, and i still think of it today. right now, i did, as i did, in that way. we do not mean descartes. he was a faggot.

so, newton one day said, i wonder how a planet works? and then he found out, that he really really did love peanut butter and honey sandwiches, and he wished he had taken the one his dad offered him earlier. he wasn't hungry then, so it didn't sound appealing.

anyway, one day some dumb scientists said hey i bet small things move the same way, and then some dude like that chinese guy say "no!!!" and then they invent quantum mechanics. that's science, people. fact.

newton also said that knowledge of facts presupposes knowledge of theory, and knowledge of theory presupposes knowledge of fact. FACT! but, that was not newton, beacue newton was gay too. it was singer, whom you've never heard of. Faggot.

you know?

Phil Fuhrman on The Reagan Years

So you want to know about Watergate? If your original thought is that Watergate was gate with water, you my friend are wrong. Watergate is from a latin based route watergaitermeaning to shine. After several decades of a magnified presence, not presents, the english took over latin based words and chanced the definition of Watergate to a scandal in which Nixon fucked some shit up. Word perfect doesn’t recognize the word “fucked..” Fuck you word perfect. But it recognize the word fuck. This is fucked up.

Anyway, in 1608 Nixon sailed the ocean blue. It was the indian ocean, which no one gives a fuck about. He reached america and settled with the Native Americans, you know injuns. After assisting in the battle against Custer(whose last name should have been custard, that sounds amazing right now) as an injun, Nixon quickly became a professional bow and arrow user. Later Nixon would comment that “he cheated in professional archery. After a ten dollar fine, he became in debt, which forced him into getting some extra cash on the side during the Watergate scandel. This scandal was dynomite and should never be forgotten about.

Spell check complete bitch.

...

This has been a guest commentary by Phil Fuhrman. Not only are we responsible for the opinions of this commentary, we will take it personally if you disagree.

A Mission Statement

We know everything. We like drugs. From there, the blog practically writes itself.

This blog will eventually develop into a guide to pretty much everything anyone could ever need to know, all in conveniently slurred writing.

Topics that will be covered:

Baudrillard
Parmesan Cheese: What's the big deal?
The Periodic Table
Watergate
How the Internet Works
Which Drugs You Can Mix With Alcohol to Make Cool Shit Happen